Penis Mushrooms

penis_shroomHamilton Morris doses himself with penis mushrooms and proceeds to write an article on the history of these uber-potent phallic shrooms. While I LOVE how clever and engaging the title of his article is, the dude needs to eat less drugs. Way way way way less.

Read all of A Nice, Thick, Uncut 12-Inch Shroom over at Vice:

I am not one to complain about the taste of mushrooms. I might even go so far as to say I savor the taste of the occasional eighth. But the penis mushroom was like nothing I had ever put in my mouth. Each time I bit into it, tiny motes of bitter shroom dust flittered through the air. I gagged trying to get it down. I went to lie in bed awhile, where I closed my eyes and saw penis mushrooms bursting from pots of gold coins, stars, and rainbows. Then I hopped up and proceeded to fill my mouth with more mushrooms. I neglected to weigh them out. I later realized that I had eaten half an ounce…

…Now we return to me, in the grip of half an ounce of penis mushrooms, paralyzed on my kitchen floor. A splendid vagina opened up in my chest. I clutched a mushroom and dildoed myself in the heart. My eyes rolled back into my head. I pulled the mushroom out, glistening, and plunged it back in. Deep inside me the fungus went, engulfed by my chest’s smiling labia. Fifty years of history began to rush through the thread matrices of the air: the Amazonian jungle, a blood-spattered mushroom in San Antonio, malignant brain tumors, and Baja chicken sandwiches. My eyes looked forward, dilating with delirious pleasure. I slid a second mushroom into myself and let out a guttural groan of satisfaction. Mutations, mystery, murder. The future of consciousness, the history of human evolution. One thousand ultraviolet tessellating penises ejaculating the black semen of the apocalypse, one hundred billion screaming spermatozoa fracturing white light into a sea of swimming rainbows. The omniscient penis of God. And into my yawning vagina it was swallowed. Not leaving a trace, save for a small drip of ultraviolet ectoplasm. more


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Alan Ritchson’s Bulge

When is Alan Ritchson going to stop teasing us and just whip it out already?!

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