Entries Tagged 'Movies' ↓

I Am (Not) Afraid

I like to say I have an active imagination. Others just say I’m a fraidy cat.
A story told through my reactions to various movies…

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle
In 8th Grade my sister had a friend over and along with my mom we watched The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. They all sat on the couch and I laid on the floor in front of them as we watched. My sister’s friend had already seen the movie. Just when one of the most intense moments happens (the alarm clock goes off), the friend got my mom and sister to grab my shoulders and shake me from behind. Scaring the bejeezus out of me. I screamed. Jumped all the way up to standing in .0001 seconds. Nearly passed out. I probably did permanent damage that I should explore in therapy. This is the first time I can remember a scary/thriller movie nearly killing me via heart attack.

Jurassic Park
A few years later while I was in high school (Go Pirates!), my mom and sister took me to see Jurassic Park for my birthday over the summer. I. Was. Petrified. Those dinosaurs were freaking terrifying. I sat there teeth chattering, shivering, jumping in my seat every time a dinosaur did something nefarious. Which is like every 30 seconds in that movie. Meanwhile my mom and sister noticed my extreme fright and giggled and laughed at me. Whatever. I was really really really engrossed in that damn movie. And dinosaurs can KILL YOU. Even via heart attack, apparently.

30 Days of Night
Marc was leaving SF to move to New York. We decided we should go watch one last movie together. He gave me options. But it was his going away movie. So I let him pick. I didn’t investigate the options. At all. I should have. I didn’t know it was a vampire movie. Much less a fucking two-hour heart-stopping gore-fest thriller. And what’s crazy about this movie is that the scare scenes are creatively executed to make you think it’s going to be scary, then it isn’t and you let your guard down, and then BAM… HAHAHA WE SCARED THIS PISS OUT OF YOU WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE OK. Like literally. I think I pissed myself that night in the movie theater. The first dozen or so times scary things happened I almost jumped out of my seat into Marc’s lap. Mostly bc it’s a particularly fine lap to jump into. Also he owed me for taking me to a scary movie. I left the theater vowing to never watch a movie again without thoroughly vetting it.

So yeah. I get lost in movies. But when I get lost in scary ones, I am SO TOTALLY NOT OK.

Stop Ruining Channing Tatum for Me!

I didn’t think anything could have ever made me dislike Channing Tatum in a wrestling singlet. That is, until I watched Foxcatcher on the plane today. What the hell was that and how dare they ruin a half-naked Channing Tatum for me?! That’s ok, I’ll forgive Chan Chan for this one blunder. Magic Mike XL is coming soon at which point I will still show up to the theater wearing my custom t-shirt that says, “Channing Tatum Get In My Butt Now!”

FOXCATCHER

You Have No Power Over Me!

“You have no power over me,” Sarah proclaimed to Jareth in the movie Labyrinth. Similarly I declare, “your screaming baby has no power over my narcolepsy.” I fell asleep during the plane’s taxiing (as I always do) this time with said shrieking baby directly across the aisle from me. And I slept almost 1.5 hours, waking up with the shrill being still belting it out. Thus further proving that my super power really is that I can sleep anywhere, anytime, through anything. I am Sleeperman!

sjhallus

Galactic Picard

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Jupiter Ascending and Princess Saving

I love this review (which contains only mild spoilers). And this reviewer’s biggest criticism is basically the same thing I said to James as soon as we walked out of the theater:

“If I had to critique this movie in any sort of, you know, actual way (beyond ‘it was a hot-ass mess’), I would say that I do wish the film had been a little less caught up in the traditional model of princess-saving. When I hear ‘Mila Kunis black leather space princess,’ I want to see her bulked the hell up, Emily Blunt style, kicking ass and taking names. We don’t get to see Kunis looking really cool until the very end of the film, at which point I wanted way more of that. Which, I guess, means I would pay for a sequel.”

Fox and the Hound

When I was a little kid my favorite stuffed toy was Todd the fox from Disney’s Fox and the Hound (which is still one of my favorite movies of all time because it’s about friendship and love that transcends cultural and racial differences that we are taught as we grow up, and I still cry when Big Momma sings “Best of Friends” and when Copper saves Todd from being shot at the end). I carried my best friend Todd, *everywhere* I went as a kid. My Dad had built us these really awesome play houses and a tree house (two of the houses were on top of these massive boulders and one was literally way up in a tree and they were all connected by ramps and stairs with guardrails and everything!). My sister and I played out there ALL the time. One day I took Todd out for our daily adventures but then accidentally left him in one of the forts overnight. When I woke up I was freaking out that I couldn’t find him. As we walked outside we found him maimed on the back lawn — the dogs had discovered him and chewed off one of his ears. I was devastated.

Moral of the story: Don’t be careless with your toys and don’t leave your toys outside. If you show up late to our party on Friday night you and your fellow misfit toys might just be required to wait outside while the bouncers do their crowd control duty (it’s going to be a very crowded event). I’m just trying to prevent you from suffering the same toy-related the pain I suffered those many years ago. Come play with us, our toys, your toys, and everyone’s toys, but do it on EARLY side of things.

Also, after browsing through Google images, I’m just now realizing after all these years that Todd was totally the bottom.

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Wonder Woman Done Right

Female Super Hero Fan Film from Jesse V. Johnson on Vimeo.

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Sexism at the Oscars

I generally like Seth McFarlane but have always known that he all too easily relies on sexism to get a laugh (For examples watch Ted or any episode of Family Guy). I didn’t watch last night’s award show and only heard about the Boob Song while watching CNN at the gym this morning. When I got home and watched the song, I was disgusted. Charlize Theron’s reaction says it all. Utter disgust. What the fuck is wrong with Seth? This really pisses me off.

Iron Man 3 Teaser Trailer

Yep. Gonna be awesome…

New Hobbit Trailer

Yep. This is awesome.

WonderCon Green Lantern Preview

It looks so bad.

Secret Identities

Love this.

DJO – Star Trek – I’m a Big Chocolate Slut

OMG, Fucking awesome. Thanks to Dr. Toast for sharing this one with me!

Green Lantern: Emerald Knights Trailer

First DC released Green Lantern: First Flight, which was awesome. (Read my review here). Now they’re set to release another one called Green Lantern: Emerald Knights. Both of these animated films look about a million times better than the live action movie is likely to be. Sigh.

Ricky Gervais Pens Sample Oscar Script

I couldn’t figure out how to link directly to this section of Ricky’s blog, so I’ve snipped it and included it here. Make sure to check out Ricky’s blog though. He’s so freaking awesome.

Without further ado, Ricky Gervais’ sample Oscar opening dialogue:

Oh, and good luck to James Franco and Anne Hathaway at The Oscars on Sunday. I know how nervous they must be right now.

They will do an absolutely fantastic job and don’t need my help, but I’ve written a little opening in case they have a few minutes to fill.

(Drum roll)
V.O.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please welcome your hosts for this evening…
James Franco and Anne Hathaway

(Music and applause)
(James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)

JF
Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,
Live from Los Angeles.

AH
That’s foreign for City of Angels.
And this room is certainly filled will those angels.
(Applause)

JF
Thank you. I’m James Franco.
AH
…and I’m Anne Hathaway.

JF
You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

AH
And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF
It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

JF
Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

AH
No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JF
Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

AH
But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…

(Nervous laughter)

He’s doing some charity work.
Yeah, he’s visiting orphans with cancer.
He’s telling them what bald little losers they are…

JF
Yeah, cos he’s rude right?

(Applause)

Thank you.
No rudeness tonight.
It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

(Applause)

That’s not to say that we don’t care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they’d been living off dead beetles all their lives.

AH
Yeah and Yoko Ono said. “What’s wrong with that?”

(Laughter)

JF
Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.

(Nodding and smiling)
That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.

(Murmurs of agreement)

Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,”Yes and my dentist hasn’t seen a penny.”

AH
Yeah, why doesn’t he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?

JF
It’s a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn’t have botox or suck up to important producers – there’s something wrong with him.

AH
There must be. Why isn’t the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?

JF
That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.

AH
Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that’s better than being fat right?

JF
You bet it is gorgeous.

AH
You are so handsome.

JF
Exactly.
You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.

AH
Really?

JF
Yes. He’d often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes.

AH
And then vomit right?

JF
No he left that bit out…

(Mild laughter)

AH
That’s because he couldn’t get his fat fucking fingers in his stupid mouth.

(Big laugh)

JF
Anyway let’s get this show on the road.
There were some great kids’ movies this year.
I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.

AH
Did you enjoy it?

JF
No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, “Who are you?” “You’re not my daddy.” “Take me back to the park where you grabbed me…”

(Laughter)

AH
Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you’re one of us. And you are so handsome.

JF
Absolutely.
So let’s get this show on the road.
Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss…

The wonderful…
Mel Gibson…

(Standing ovation)

And so on…


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