Glitter Bombs and Sharp Objects

picardWTF

So I’m kind of clumsy. As a kid I had cuts, scrapes, trips, falls, broken bones galore, you name it. Not that I’m not coordinated. I think I just get lost in my head and collide into things. At least that’s what I like telling myself because it makes me sound pensive instead of clutzy. Years ago I was trying to open one of my niece’s birthday presents. And c’mon, it takes the freakin’ jaws of life to get a kids toy open these days. Am I right? So I reached for the closest sharp object near me. The cake knife. Covered in cake and frosting. Now, if I hadn’t been so determined to get that damn toy open so I could play with it, I mean wait, uhhh, so my NIECE could play with it, I would’ve considered the fact that a slippery giant knife isn’t the best thing with which to open tiny zip ties. And then… SLICE. Pain. Red. Everywhere. My right forefinger had been sliced to the bone. 20 minutes later as the blood continued flowing prolifically, and as I was getting woozy from shock, we hopped in the car for the hour-long drive to Fresno. Six stitches later, I was fine. Except for the impairment of not being able to use my right hand in its various important work and recreational activities. And of course for the impact said incident had on my reputation within my family. To this day, every time I’m using a knife at home my niece or sister or mom says, “Don’t let Uncle A use the knife!” Hardy har har guys.

All that to say today I used a straight razor to shave for the first time ever today. To be fair, it’s a cool old-timey safety razor setup. I’ve owned it for about a month and have been hesitant to use it until today. All that joking about me being bad with sharp things must’ve finally made me insecure about my own abilities. Anyway, I’m happy to report that nary a knick or cut on my cheeks or neck. Hooray! Take that family. Now please hand me that big knife so I can open this super tiny object… 😉

Moving on, I bought kitty litter yesterday. I know, I know. You’re all like, does this guy have a point to any of his damn stories?! Hang with me here. This is going somewhere. The litter I buy is that cool salt crystal stuff that desiccates and evaporates so it eliminates smell and lasts super long and is good for the environment. I bought a 50lb bag of it and just as I was lifting it into the trunk of Jean Luc, the bag split open and blue and white glittery crystals spilled everywhere. Luckily I moved quickly, flipped the bag around, and only lost a couple of cupfuls. But now the trunk of my car is glitter bombed with sparkly blue and white crystals. I kinda like it. And it’ll absorb odors and look cute at the same time. I’m sure the novelty of this will wear off fast as these crystlas break down into powder and then I’ll just be annoyed at having a dusty trunk. Okay, I lied. No real point to this story either. My bad. #sorrynotsorry

So that’s the story of my last 24 hours: sharp things and glitter bombs. The end.

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