I almost wrote an “I’m sorry” text to a friend the other night. But as I proofread it (yes, I proofread my texts), I realized I was using two words that totally change the sentiment. In fact, using either or both of these words changes “I’m sorry” from being an apology into a passive aggressive criticism of the other person. Usually this just escalates the situation because the apologizee feels unsatisfied and the apologizer feels like they made an apology and their irrational friend wouldn’t accept it.
Ready for the two words? Ready to learn how to apologize the right way?
The two words are: if and you.
If you say, “I’m sorry if you misheard me,” then what you’re really saying is, “You don’t listen, I didn’t do anything wrong, and the only thing I’m really sorry about is that you don’t listen.”
If you say, “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear,” then you’re half way there but still avoiding the apology. This statement still uses “if” which suggests that you may or may not have been unclear. You’re not truly acknowledging that you did the thing for which you are apologizing. And your friend is likely to feel that it’s a conditional/hypothetical apology and maybe you’re only saying it to make the problem go away.
The appropriate replacement words are that and I. Remember, it’s always about “I” statements.
Thus, the proper apology is, “I’m sorry that I was unclear.” This statement conveys that you are taking ownership of an action that caused a problem for the other person.
However, if you don’t actually mean the statement above, and you do actually mean “if you,” then consider your true intent. Apologize if you mean it, and do it the right way. But if you don’t mean it, don’t use the passive aggressive “if you” which will only fan the flames of the original argument.
Comments Off on When You Don’t Really Mean “I’m Sorry”
I decided to take a short four-day weekend and go North. Today I explored downtown Seattle including Pike's Place, the Space Needle, and the Chihuly Glass Gardens. Tomorrow I'm having breakfast with my cousin, then I'm driving to Mount Rainier for a couple days of day hiking and relaxing at a mountain lodge. Here are a few pictures of my trip so far. More updates to come, if the lodge has wifi.
The big news of last night was how misleading and blatantly and demonstrably false Paul Ryan’s convention speech was. At first I saw the story covered on Talking Points Memo and The New Republic and thought, “Hm, good coverage. I hope more news outlets pick this up.” I was hoping for some MSNBC or CNN coverage. Nothing could have prepared me for who actually picked up the story.
I saw this video a week or two ago and Facebooked it (the blog wasn’t back up at that time). I didn’t realize the video itself was from a particularly well-named group, Full Frontal Freedom. In their own words:
Full Frontal Freedom is the anti-PAC. We are a coalition of independent artists and media executives – who want to use our talent and creativity to raise awareness and enhance civil discourse.
When the Court decided to allow corporate spending in political races, it may not have envisioned that Sheldon Adelson would give $71 million to a candidate’s cause. Thankfully, all the money in the world cannot buy votes. We recognize that with creativity, innovation, passion and the power which comes from being on the right side of history, we can change hearts and minds in our favor.
So a couple of thoughts. First, I love the video. Cute boys singing clever political lyrics. Check! Of course, it’s not like they need to really court the gay vote because a) it’s small and b) primarily leans Dem.
Second, I respect the viral approach. Fighting fire with fire won’t work because the other side has billions more in firepower. Thus the tactic of creating catchy videos that could go viral, helping highlight or further a political issue is a clever way to play the game.
Third, Colby Melvin (the lead “singer” in the video) is my future husband. I’ve thought he was totes adorbz ever since he made his first appearance on the internets. But this video cements it. Colby, will you marry me? (For lots of amazing photos of Colby, check out my phenomenally talented friend Gabriel’s photography site here, here, and here.)
Proposition 32 was written to look like an even-handed solution to “special interest” money in California politics. But it’s not what it seems.
The initiative limits the ability of unions to engage in political activity, while creating special exemptions that allow corporations and billionaires to continue funneling unlimited amounts of money into secretive political front groups. That’s why conservative multi-millionaires are funding the campaign to pass Proposition 32.
“She found a little bottle…and tied round the neck of the bottle was a paper label with the words ‘DRINK ME’ beautifully printed on it in large letters.
It was all very well to say ‘Drink me,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. ‘No, I’ll look first,’ she said, ‘and see whether it’s marked ‘poison’ or not;’…she had never forgotten that, if you drink from a bottle marked ‘poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.”
Warning: require_once(/home/logan55/loganotron.com/wp-content/themes/copyblogger/footer.php): failed to open stream: Permission denied in /home/logan55/loganotron.com/wp-includes/template.php on line 572
Fatal error: require_once(): Failed opening required '/home/logan55/loganotron.com/wp-content/themes/copyblogger/footer.php' (include_path='.:/usr/local/lib/php:/usr/local/php5/lib/pear') in /home/logan55/loganotron.com/wp-includes/template.php on line 572