My mom LOVES Craig Ferguson. After watching his show a few times with my mom, I began to understand his brilliance. The dude is effing hilarious. And, more than that, he’s wicked smart and has some of the quickest wit I’ve ever witnessed.
Check out his rant about why everything sucks, which explores the connection between consumerism, advertising, youth, imbecility, and the Jonas Brothers. Brilliant!
Portugal’s Constitutional Court on Friday upheld the country’s ban on gay marriage, rejecting a challenge by two lesbians who are seeking to wed.
The court said its five judges ruled 3-2 against an appeal lodged by the women two years ago.
Teresa Pires and Helena Paixao, divorced mothers in their 30s who have been together as a couple since 2003, were turned away by a Lisbon registry office when they attempted to marry in 2006 because the law stipulates that marriage is between people of different genders.
Portugal’s constitution, however, also forbids discrimination based on sexual orientation. The women took the case to a Lisbon court, which rejected their unprecedented challenge.
After considering their appeal against that decision, the Constitutional Court said in a statement posted on its Web site that the constitution does not state that same-sex marriages must be permitted.
The court said the question before it was not whether the constitution allows same-sex marriages, but whether the constitution compels them to be accepted, which it does not.
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Ah, mornings on MUNI. Nothing quite like the hum and rattle of the metro to lull you to sleep only to jolt you back to hold-on-for-dear-life consciousness every few seconds. I’ve been riding MUNI and BART for a little over four years. In that time I’ve realized that public transit, MUNI metro in particular, is an amazingly rich petri dish of human eccentricities. I especially love mornings on MUNI, because that’s when people are groggily prepping for their return to the daily grind. What I’ve noticed is that a number of archetypes emerge; common characteristics that people exhibit while surrendering themselves to the will of the Morning MUNI Beast. Some people fall into multiple categories (I know I certainly do). However, you’ll find that one archetype is usually predominant. Here are some of the patterns I’ve observed.
These are the most obvious people on MUNI in the morning. Their heads are drooped so far forward that you worry their necks might snap. Or their heads jerk erratically to and fro as they momentarily jostle awake. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping on the MUNI, I guess. Sure, you can grab a few extra Zs before walking into the office. But, let’s face it: Are the extra minutes of sleep worth the sore neck, tussled hair, spittle on your blouse, or the paranoid person sitting next to you who is afraid that at any moment you might somnolently head butt them? Not to mention the extremely likely possibility that you’ll miss your stop. (Don’t mock it. I’ve seen it happen, countless times.)
Zombies are riders whose brains are technically asleep but their bodies have somehow maintained a semblance of consciousness. They stare off into space with the intensity of a mannequin or a wax doll. Their eyes are wide and nothing phases them, not even the piercing beeeeeep! of the blocked MUNI doors. The only real harm done by zombies is when a super cute zombie is staring in your direction and for a brief moment you think to yourself, “Awesome, that hottie is checking me out.” You start feeling good about yourself, glad that you wore the jeans that make your ass look super-hot. Then you notice that the hottie hasn’t blinked in several minutes and that after you change places in the train, he continues to stare at the empty spot where you once stood. Ouch, ego FAIL.
Crackberry and iPhone Addicts (iCrack)
You’ve seen them: People with their iPhones or Blackberries glued to their hands. Their gaze is fixed on the technological talisman sending magical pulses to their brain. So transfixed, in fact, that they dare not look up lest they miss some Earth-shattering tweet or text message. iCrack addicts make surprisingly good use of their peripheral vision. But, not good enough, damn it. Too many times I’ve seen iCrackies not budge when people try to get around them, or not give up a seat to the elderly or person with crutches. Not to mention when you see an iCrack addict with whom you wouldn’t mind chatting up on that long, boring ride to the office. But, you’ll never get a chance to make eye contact and signal your interest. Oh no. They’re far too busy reading that email from their coworker that just can’t wait until they get to work in 5 minutes. Dude, iCracksters: Think of all the possible lunch dates or, at the very least, the flirtatious smile or nod you could have received if your nose wasn’t buried up so far your phone’s ass. Your loss.
I have a special place in my heart for music listeners on MUNI. It’s especially fun to watch people who are really getting down to the beats streaming through their headphones. I’m the kind of guy that taps my feet and bobs my head along to my morning dose of bass. There’s not a more fun way to get your day started than to play your favorite track and get your body amped. Of course, there’s enjoying your music, and then there’s getting lost in your music. Let’s remember people, this is still public transportation people, emphasis on public. This isn’t your private train service. You still have to share the train with others, make room for them, let them pass by you when it’s crowded, etc. Innocently getting lost in your favorite groove is one thing. But cranking your headphones up so loud that you intentionally don’t have to pay attention to the goings on around you… Now that’s just plain rude. Love your music, but don’t ignore me and make me squeeze past you after saying “excuse me” five times in ever increasing volumes.
This is another group that is near and dear to my heart. I love to read, and MUNI provides the perfect opportunity to absorb a few chapters before the workday begins. It’s great to get your brain cranking with some letters that combine to form words that combine to form sentences that… Well, you get the picture. Forcing your sleepy head to make sense of words on a page is a great way to spend time on the otherwise dreary train ride. And you know what, if you see someone reading a book that you loved when you read it, go ahead and tell them. I’ve had a number of people see books that I’ve been reading and tell me how much they enjoyed the same book. It’s a fun, innocent conversation starter. Plus, if you’re reading something especially highfalutin, you’re essentially advertising to onlookers how smart you are. But, don’t go overboard. If you’re reading Nietzsche or Kant on MUNI you’re going to look pretentious and like you’re trying waaay to hard. It’s a fine line, but you’ll know it when you cross it.
Of course, there is a subset of Readers that annoys me just a little bit. Those people who read newspapers on MUNI without folding the paper in half and then into quarters… Grrrrrr. Die you space-hogging scum. I mean, come on, there’s almost no room on the overcrowded train for people to stand, much less for you to stretch your arms out to full length holding the spread open Chronicle or New York Times. I respect you for wanting to catch up on the previous day’s “current” events (let’s face it, you can’t really call newspapers “current” events anymore). But I promise you that if you hold your arms to your sides no one will get their plebeian germs on you or your fancy $5,000 suit. And if they do, don’t you already own a chain of dry cleaners? I’m sure they’ll take good care of your fancy suit. So, leave some room for the rest of us. Kthxbye.
Before I get to my final archetype I wanted to touch briefly on behaviors I see occasionally, but not quite frequently enough to classify them as full-fledged personas.
First you have the Eaters. These folks seem to boldly defy the “no eating or drinking” rule on MUNI. I don’t mind the people who drink their coffee and such. But eating your Sausage Egg McMuffin is a bit over the top, don’t you think?! Your crumbs spread out in a McRadius around you and the smell stinks up the entire train car. C’mon people, wake up 10 extra minutes and eat at home or wait until you get to work. Spare us your noshing, chomping, smacking sounds on MUNI.
Next you have the Groomers, who I mostly regard with some awe. I would never dare step foot on MUNI in the disheveled state that I see some brave folks do. And, to those women who can apply their eye makeup and lipstick despite MUNI’s erratic stops and starts, more power to you! Although, once in a while I secretly hope to see someone with a painted-on eyebrow that extends a couple of inches too high because of an unexpected MUNI surge.
Finally I’ll point out the Big Backpackers. God damn it. Dude, your backpack takes up more space than you do. You force people around you to huddle away from the monstrosity attached to your back. What’s worse is that because it’s out of your field of view, you don’t even (seem) to notice that it’s squashing the petite woman behind you. And when you turn around or pivot to let someone pass by, you nearly knock out the three people nearby. If they weren’t already prepared for your clumsy maneuvering, they’d probably end up face down on the floor or slammed into the safety rail. The solution is simple: Keep the backpack if you must, but just take it off and put it on the floor between your feet when the car is crowded. Fuck you very much.
I left us watchers for last. You might have heard of our kind before on shows like Buffy or The Highlander. That’s right, we’re an ancient breed who observe and record the goings on of society and the people around us. It’s our ancestral duty, passed down through generations. We watch because it’s what we know, what we’re compelled to do. It’s who we are. You shouldn’t be too surprised that I consider myself a watcher. Would anyone except a watcher make all of these observations and report them to you? Ah ha, you see? Now this post makes so much sense, right?
The funny thing is that there are more of us watchers than you think. If you fit into one of the categories above and you’re not a watcher, then you probably don’t look up and take notice of those around you very often. You trap yourself in your little archetypal bubble, helplessly repeating the behaviors that define you. But, you see, we watchers know how many of us there are out there… because we watchers watch each other watching! Spotting another noble observer can be embarrassing at first. It feels like you just got caught in the act. Then a sense of familiarity sweeps over you and you often give and receive the nod or smile of recognition. And then you carry on about your watching business knowing that you’re amongst your of your kind, your brethren. Okay. I know that sounds sorta sketchy. It’s not nearly that weird. I promise.
A Little Sumpthin Sumpthin for all the MUNI Homos in the House
And now, for all my loyal readers, I’ve found some pics of MUNI hotties especially for you. Make sure to check out the hunkalicious pics after the jump. Continue reading →
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Amsterdam, July 25, 2009 [DutchAmsterdam.nl] — Amsterdam police is deeply concerned about a new craze in which vandals toss parked cars from the Smart brand into the city’s canals.
The so-called ‘Smart tossing’ takes place mainly during the weekend, when many youths are out for a night on the town.
According to locally-published newspaper De Telegraaf police has not wanted to publicize this form of vandalism for fear of copy-cat incidents. However, police officers are paying extra attention to Amsterdam’s canals, especially during the weekends.
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Jonathan Waud (hahah wad) was on one of the Homo Channel’s supermodel reality shows. To be more specific, he was a contestant on Bravo’s Make Me a Supermodel. I never watched the show (I know, I know, I’m a bad homo), but apparently Jonathan took third place in the contest. There are all sorts of gay blogs that speculate on which pose it was that ruined Jonathan’s chances at the top spot. (heh heh, I just said top!) Not that a guy with an ass-that-won’t-quit like that could ever be a top. (Ahem, power bottom… I’m just sayin!).
I totally get the fascination with Jonathan’s gorgeous body and beautiful golden-boy looks. But, dude. He’s married with a kid. Dear homos: Stop hoping he’s one of the family. It ain’t gonna happen. This interview is hilarious. The interviewer is so ga-ga over the blond hunk that he practically falls down on his knees and starts knob-bobbing on Jonathan.
That’s not to say I have any problems with Jonathan. He seems like an awesome dude. He grew up Europe and has a sexy accent (12 bonus points), is very comfortable being naked (15 bonus points), has a kid and therefore is a DILF (20 bonus points), and is a gay ally (22 bonus points). That’s a total of 69 bonus points for Jonathan! (Okay, so I totally orchestrated that result, but it’s funny. Right?!)
And don’t miss some AMAZING YouTube clips after the jump. And, check out Jonathan’s No H8 pictures at the end of the album (and after the jump). Very awesome that he’s using his good looks to tell America’s straight ugly Mormons that hate is not cool.
Wow, Justin Clynes is a steamy, dark, brooding hunk of Humpday Hotness. I had no trouble picking him as today’s special feature. His (occasional) hairy chest is so hot. And, he apparently loves showing off the beginning tufts of his below-the-belt happy place. And I love that he loves showing it off too! Most importantly, he decided to take the wet-tshirt contest and turn it upside down. In the very last photo of the album (after the jump), Justin wears some wet white undies that show off just enough of his peen to make every gay guy and single lady gasp for more.
Justin is a man of many looks. In fact, as I was scouring the nets for pictures, there were a few I thought were wrongly attributed. The last photo I posted (after the jump), the one with Justin and the tires, I had some trouble believing was Mr. Clynes. But, after some serious scrutiny of his musculature, I’m more convinced that it’s him.
And, most bizarre of all is Justin’s recent posing with Barbara Bush. Yes, the Barbara Bush. I guess if I were that rich and were married to George Bush Senior, I’d want to surround myself with hot poolboys like Justin too.
Oh, and stay tuned later this afternoon for a bonus Humpday Hotness post. This morning we covered the tall, dark, and bend-me-over-and-do-dirty-things-to-me look. This afternoon our bonus guy will have more of a blond angelic sorta look.
Who knew there were so many ways to hack the urinary problems we all face at one point or another? The urinary geniuses over at SexHax have certainly given some serious consideration to hacking these issues. Some excerpts:
For all the Fellas in the House:
Every morning men wake up to this catch-22: you desperately have to pee, but you have an erection, which makes it hard to urinate, but the hard-on won’t go away until you empty your bladder. It’s almost impossible to aim at the toilet when your penis is pointing the wrong way, so you end up peeing on the wall, the floor, or yourself.
You may have developed your own technique for dealing with this catch-22, but if not, here are some methods to take care of the aiming part, customized for the angle of your dangle.
This is the brute force method. If your penis points straight out or up, you may have to bend it to your will. Grasp the shaft or press down on the top gently but firmly so your boner bends downward, pointing toward the bowl. Keep the pressure on and don’t let it slip, or you may end up spraying the wall or squirting yourself in the face. Note: In some cases this won’t work because bending constricts the flow of urine too much. If your erection is too hard, don’t force it down – you could break something, seriously.
Others include: The Flying Wallenda, The Lunge, Downward Dog, and The Superman (my fave!). Make sure to check em all out here.
For all the Ladies in the House:
Women have their own set of challenges when urinating. Most public restrooms are pretty gross, and port-a-potties – let’s not even go there. Here are some no-contact peeing tips for when the facilities are less than hygienic – or when there are no facilities.
A time-honored position, which no doubt gave birth to the homily “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seat-ie.” Pull down your pants and underwear (being careful not to allow them to come in contact with the rim of the toilet), stand with your feet shoulder width apart, and situate your rear over the bowl. Because of the difficulty of precisely aiming and the variable pattern of the pee stream, this will leave droplets on the seat – which is why you had to hover in the first place – thus continuing the cycle. This pose also tones your quads, glutes, and abs.
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